Tenderize
by setepenre-set
Summary: Megamind invents an Improbability Drive. The results are...unexpected. Luckily, Roxanne knows how to roll with the weirdness.


"...so that was definitely the weirdest thing you've ever done," Roxanne says, into the silence.

Megamind makes a vague noise, clutching at the edge of his cape, eyes wide and face pale.

"Sir, I'm—I think I'm gonna just—power down, now, if that's okay..." Minion says, looking uncomfortable and a bit ill.

"Yes, that's—yes, you do that, Minion," Megamind says, and then reaches out and pats the glass headpiece of Minion's suit, as though he's reassuring himself that it's still there.

Minion gives a small flutter of his fin and a weak smile as he sinks down out of sight into the chest of his suit in a plastic aquarium castle.

(which is kind of odd, but not even close to the oddest thing that Roxanne has seen today.)

There is a long moment of silence.

"Soooo are you gonna take me home or...?" Roxanne says.

Megamind, who had been staring at a point in the distance beyond her left ear, jumps.

"I—what?" he says.

"Home," Roxanne repeats. "I'm still tied up? And since Metro Man evidently isn't going to be taking me home today, and Minion is...resting, I'm pretty sure you're going to have to be the one to do it?"

Megamind stares at her like he's having difficulty parsing her words.

"...home. Right. You. Yes. I should—do that, yes," he says, and moves dazedly to untie her.

* * *

"Blindfold," Roxanne says, as Megamind starts the car.

"—what?"

"You forgot to blindfold me," she points out.

(he forgot to tie her up, too. and he didn't say anything when she went to sit in the front seat instead of the back. Megamind is way off his game.)

(she stole his bowl of petunias, also, but, then, maybe he just doesn't want them?)

"I-" Megamind drags shaking hands over his face. "I don't-"

"I'll just close my eyes, okay?" Roxanne says gently.

Megamind looks at her through his fingers, his expression uncertain.

"...thank you," he says.

(he looks sort of shattered; it tugs at Roxanne's heart.)

She closes her eyes.

* * *

"You—can open your eyes now, Miss Ritchi," Megamind says, and Roxanne does.

They're driving along one of the city streets, just outside of the old industrial sector-Roxanne always suspected that the Lair was somewhere in there. She refrains from mentioning this as she glances over at Megamind.

"Thanks," she says.

Megamind's hands tighten on the steering wheel.

There's a brief moment of quiet; Megamind looks even more tightly wound than usual.

"I'm stealing this," she says.

"—you're—what now?" Megamind says, looking over at her, his eyebrows contracted in a frown.

"This," Roxanne says, gesturing to the bowl of petunias in her lap. "I'm stealing it."

"...I don't mind if you keep it," Megamind says, still frowning.

Roxanne sighs exaggeratedly, rolls her eyes.

"You're not supposed to say that," she says complainingly. "It takes all the fun out of stealing if you don't mind."

Megamind blinks at her, then looks away, at the road again. There's the ghost of a smile at the edges of his mouth.

"And you call yourself a villain," Roxanne says, scoffing. "How did you not know that?"

Megamind's eyes dart towards her again, smile unfurling softly.

"You are going to have to keep the whale, though," Roxanne says, sighing as though she deeply regrets this fact. "It wouldn't fit in my apartment if I re-hydrated it."

Megamind bites his lip, making a sound that might be a quiet laugh. Probably picturing the sudden re-hydration of a whale in Roxanne's apartment building, and the ensuing chaos.

"What are you going to do with the whale?" Roxanne asks, genuinely curious.

"I—release it into the wild," Megamind says, clearly caught off guard. "Sperm whales are a protected species. No point in failing to contribute to their conservation if the opportunity arises and—how are you so calm right now?" he adds, voice rising suddenly, hands clutching at the steering wheel again. "Miss Ritchi, you—that was—"

He stops suddenly, shaking his head.

"I mean...I've been around for a lot of your really weird stuff," Roxanne says. "I guess I'm just used to it. Like I said, though, that definitely was the weirdest. The whale and the petunias and the getting turned into a-"

"—don't say it," Megamind says, shuddering.

Roxanne gives him a bemused look.

"I'm surprised you're not at least a little excited right now; you did beat Metro Man. Kind of. I mean, he did have to go home after you turned everyone into—"

"—don't—"

"—turned everyone into—"

"Miss Ritchi, please—"

"—apparently getting turned into sentient food is Metro Man's weakness; who knew," Roxanne says cheerfully.

Megamind shudders again.

"Oh god it was awful," he says faintly.

"Heh, yes, I guess it did leave a weird taste in my mouth," Roxanne says, and then snorts with laughter when Megamind gives her a look of horrified shock at the pun.

"You were—you were a—how are you not traumatized by this?!"

Roxanne laughs again-oh god, his expression-

"I told you," she says, "I've learned to roll with the weirdness. Besides, I knew you'd make it stop if things actually got dangerous; you always do. I mean, you dehydrated the whale before it could fall on me; good job with that—and you did end up unplugging the Improbability Drive anyway. And then hitting it with the destroy setting on the de-gun. Several times. So it's fine. I don't know why you're so freaked out, still."

"We were sentient pieces of food!" Megamind says, taking one hand off the wheel to gesture wildly. "Sentient! Pieces of food! It was—awful—it was—like those commercials where the ice cream cone is trying to get you to eat ice cream like some sort of weird nihilistic self-destructive plea and-"

Roxanne laughs once more.

"—why are you laughing; this is horrifying!"

"So I take it we won't be revisiting the whole turning-everyone-into-chicken-nuggets thing for a future evil plot, then?" she asks.

"No," Megamind says forcefully. "Dear. Evil. Gods. No. Never again."

Roxanne hums.

"Such a shame," she says. "So many missed banter opportunities, there; and you didn't get to work them into the battle today, what with you and Metro Man both being too busy screaming."

"Banter opportunities?" Megamind says, making a face.

"'Miss Ritchi, we 'meat' again," Roxanne says, in her best imitation of Megamind's most dramatic voice.

Megamind gives a startled almost-laugh.

"'Come and face me, then, if you're not too chicken,'" she continues, watching Megamind's expression. "And you could have built one of your machines to threaten me with, like a giant meat tenderizer thing, you know, one of those mallet things with the spikes on it? Spikes," she repeats. "There could have been spikes, Megamind."

"Fowl play," Megamind murmurs, and Roxanne laughs again. "—and there could have been a lever on the Tenderizer, and when when the time came, I could tell Minion to—"

"—pullet!" Roxanne finishes, laughing even harder.

Megamind laughs too, then gives her a sidelong glance, an odd expression on his face.

"What?" she says.

"Nothing, I've just—I've never heard you laugh before," he says, a tone in his voice that Roxanne can't quite read.

"—ha, yes; just see how much fun I can be when I'm not tied up and being menaced by deathtraps!" Roxanne says teasingly. "A fact you should definitely take into account, Megamind!"

Megamind looks back at the road, his mouth going flat.

"Yes," he says, "but it's not exactly relevant for me, is it?"

Roxanne blinks at the bitter undercurrent in his voice.

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"Well, it's not as if I'd ever get to see you if you weren't tied up and being menaced with deathtraps," Megamind says, his hands tight on the wheel again.

Roxanne's breath catches.

(he looks—as if he's—upset about that, as though—)

"—how do you know?" she asks.

Megamind glares at the road.

"Because I'm not stupid," he says, spitting the words out.

"But you've never even tried," Roxanne says softly, trying not to let her voice shake, trying not to give away how hard her heart is beating. "You've never even asked me. Don't you—you can't know for sure, can you, unless you try? I mean, it's—it's hardly scientific, is it, deciding the hypothesis is true without even testing it."

Megamind takes a corner sharply.

"This isn't funny," he says, his voice angry now.

"I'm not joking," Roxanne says quietly.

He glances at her again, mouth in a line, eyebrows drawn together, eyes miserable and almost hurt.

"Come on, Megamind," she says, voice almost a whisper, unable to look away from him. "Ask me."

"Fine," Megamind snarls, barely controlled fury in his voice. "Fine. Would you like to go out with me some time, Miss Ritchi?"

Roxanne's heart seems to stop in her chest for a moment. She clutches the edge of the bowl of petunias.

"Yes, I would," she says.

The car swerves briefly to one side as Megamind's hands jerk on the wheel.

"...out as it—on a date," he says.

"Yes," Roxanne says, voice calm, her hands white-knuckled on the bowl.

"—with me," he says.

"Yes," she says.

"...but you're dating Metro Man," Megamind says, sounding lost.

"That would be an incorrect assumption," Roxanne says.

"An—an incorrect—"

"Yes."

He darts a look at her. Then another. And another. His eyes are very wide, and his mouth works soundlessly for a moment.

"And you hate me!" he says, finally.

"Also," Roxanne says, "an incorrect assumption. I happen to like you kind of a lot. Please don't hit that fire hydrant, Megamind."

Megamind rights the car again, and then his eyes go even rounder, a look of horror dawning on his face.

"What's wrong?" she asks, stomach twisting.

(did she read this wrong; is he regretting asking her; does he not-)

"The Improbability Drive is still on somehow, isn't it?" he whispers.

Roxanne relaxes in relief, giving a short laugh.

"No, you definitely completely destroyed it," she says. "It was very destroyed. It'd be hard to get more destroyed than that, sweetheart. You're drifting off the road again."

Megamind corrects the course and for the remaining few minutes of the drive to her apartment building, he's silent.

He pulls the car up to the curb in front of the building and puts it in park. Roxanne unbuckles her seatbelt. Megamind turns to her, his eyes on her face.

"Miss Ritchi—did you—did you mean—"

"You know, you should probably use my first name if we're going to be dating," Roxanne says, and her stomach flips over at the way that makes Megamind's lips part in shock, makes his ears flush pink.

"—Roxanne," Megamind says, and Roxanne feels herself flush, this time, heat flooding through her at the way he says her name.

(like it's music, like it's something precious, something to be savored; like the syllables are sweet, melting on his tongue)

Roxanne pushes the bowl of petunias onto the dashboard and slides over the console between the seats of the car. She ends up halfway in Megamind's lap, and she sees his eyes go wide as she places her fingertips on his jaw and leans it to kiss him.

He jerks in surprise when their lips touch, and for a moment, he's very still, almost stiff. And then his lips soften beneath hers and he leans forward into the kiss.

Roxanne pulls away slowly, just enough to look at him.

"—oh," he murmurs.

Roxanne hums in agreement and rubs her thumb down the line of his facial hair. Megamind takes a sharp breath, his lips parting, and Roxanne leans in to steal another quick kiss.

"Walk me up to my apartment?" she asks.

Megamind nods, rather dazedly.

* * *

When they walk into the lobby of the building together, Carlos at the front desk does a double-take, and then stares at them, open mouthed.

An expression of uncertainty flashes in Megamind's face.

The uncertain look is only there for a second, however; Megamind quickly draws himself up, expression going smooth, like he's going into battle. Carlos' hand hovers near the telephone on the desk; he's clearly thinking about trying to go for it.

"Carry this for me, would you?" Roxanne asks loudly, handing Megamind the bowl of petunias.

Megamind takes them automatically, looking startled.

"Of—of course, Miss Ritchi," he says.

"Roxanne," she reminds him, tucking her hand into the crook of his arm.

He freezes for a moment.

"—Roxanne, yes," he says quietly.

Roxanne gives him a look of approval.

"There you go," she says.

Carlos is still watching them, but he hasn't picked up the telephone yet, and his expression is more confused than terrified, now.

Roxanne catches his gaze and winks at him, then visibly squeezes Megamind's arm, shifting closer to him as she presses the button for the elevator.

Carlos blinks, looking surprised, both eyebrows flying up questioningly. Roxanne gives him a small nod, then smiles brilliantly and glances sidelong at Megamind. Carlos gives Megamind a speculative look and then meets her eyes again. He nods back at her slowly and his hand drops back to his side as he relaxes back into his chair.

The elevator doors open and Roxanne and Megamind step inside.

* * *

"You're brilliant; I so hope you realize that," Megamind says in a low voice, after the elevator doors have shut.

Roxanne looks at him questioningly. He's staring at her with an intensity that goes through her like an electric shock.

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"The thing with your doorman," Megamind says, still watching her, "that was brilliant."

"Oh," Roxanne says, "did you see that?"

"Yes," says Megamind. "And it was amazing. I—would not have been able to do that without dehydrating him; I was worried I was going to have to—"

"Hey," Roxanne says, leaning against him, "people are just going to have to get used to—" she gestures between the two of them, "—this, yeah?" she shrugs. "I figured they might as well start today."

Megamind stops breathing for a moment, she can tell, and he looks at her like she's just tilted the entire world on its axis.

* * *

"Do you—maybe want to stay for dinner?" Roxanne asks leaning against the couch and watching as Megamind carefully puts the petunias down on the coffee table, adjusting the placement so that they stand in the last patch of afternoon sunlight on the tabletop.

Megamind looks at her.

"Roxanne, I—I will stay as long as you want me to," he says, with perfect, simple sincerity, and then he winces like he thinks he may have said something wrong, and drops his eyes.

"…even if what we're having for dinner is chicken?" Roxanne asks.

Megamind looks up at her sharply and she smirks at him. He takes a sharp, quick breath, almost a gasp, his cheeks tinting pink.

"You're evil," he breathes, his tone full of admiration and wonder, and Roxanne laughs.

"You know, I've got a lot of vacation time saved up," she says, and Megamind blinks at her, tilts his head like he's confused by the sudden change of subject. "It would be fun to see the ocean."

Megamind frowns, blinks again. Then his eyes go wide as understanding seems to hit him.

"Are—do you—" his fingers twitch nervously, "—do you maybe want to—the whale; I said I was going to—when I release it, do you—maybe want to come with me?" he asks, uncertainty warring with hope in his voice.

"That is what I was hinting at, yes," Roxanne says.

Megamind's face breaks out into a smile, wide and bright and amazed.

"That would be _fantastic_ ," he says breathlessly.

Roxanne smiles at him, a rush of affection rising up in her chest.

"Come here, sweetheart," she says, holding out her hand. "I want to kiss you again."

Megamind's lips part and his eyes go even wider, and then he steps forward and takes her hand.

* * *

 **the end.**

* * *

 ** _notes: so there was this post on tumblr that said: "you ever have that one fanfic author that's so good, you'll read any of their stories without even knowing what it's about? like they could make a mcnugget au and you'd still read it cause you trust them and everything they do" and a whole bunch of people tagged me in it, which was very flattering! and also sort of made me wonder "...how would I...?" and then Displacerghost drew a cover of the at-the-time-hypothetical mcnugget au and that was the tipping point; it made me laugh too hard not to try to actually write this. The title of the fic comes from Displacerghost's cover!_**

 ** _The Improbability Drive is from the Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy, as are the whale and the bowl of petunias. I gave them a happier ending than they got in their canon. YES, THE MCNUGGET AU IS ALSO A FIX-IT FOR THE WHALE AND THE BOWL OF PETUNIAS FROM THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE._**

 ** _I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED THIS OH MY GOD._**


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